It's been too long

Wow. I didn't realize how long it had been since I last posted anything on here. Oh my. I am a horrible blogger. haha. Actually, sometimes life just gets in the way, other responsibilities and priorities take precedence over something like this. I haven't written much in the past several months. I guess I had a case of severe "writer's block." Any case, I am determined to write more. God has given me this gift and outlet of expressing myself and sharing with you everything I know and continue to learn about God's love and faithfulness, His judgement, His kindness, and His loyalty. Also, I have to post more pics of my beautiful gift. She is growing so fast!




Well, to more posts in the future. 
xoxo. tiia

The Greatest Love

"You are the only exception..."


Love is crazy.
It makes us crazy. It drives us crazy and running into pure madness.
Who can truly measure it's worth, capture it's effect, calculate it's timing, or understand it's power?
I cannot. I've only loved twice in my life. The first was a surprise...a pleasant one though. At first I felt like a young girl who landed her secret crush. It was good. It was passionate. It was intense. But it was also blinded by the fact I thought I had to hold onto something every girl wanted that they couldn't have. It wasn't toxic but it wasn't healthy either. I figured it was too good to be true, and pretty soon I was right. We were both two lost souls desperate and struggling to find a way to the surface together. How could we not drown? How were we to ever make it up? Well, my world came to an incredible pause. I found my heart shattered like glass into a million fragments. There was no way I could've put it back together without pain...without bleeding. I thought life was over. The only reason I held on was love...and love was lost. What was there to hold onto now? I thought love/I thought life was over for me now. My heart was searching for it but my mind replayed the nightmare over and over again. God really worked through the brokenness. 
  The time seemed to pass like that of molasses...slow and surprisingly sweet. In fact, some of the best memories I have are during that time. I made friends, I was accepted, I was popular, I gained the confidence I had lost, and I found that God was still with me in that ocean still trying to make it to the surface. 
A stranger came into my life. This stranger soon became a friend, who soon became a confidant, who soon became someone I came to love (though he didn't love me the same way at that time). Of all the hundreds of men I had met, befriended, even crushed on...he was different. I fell in love and no one had pulled on my heart strings the way he did.
He loves me. He doesn't care what color my skin is, what color my eyes are, how straight or white my teeth are, if I came from money or not, if I have success...He didn't care that I was wounded, confused, anxious, angry, and at times unpredictable. He saw a girl who needed someone to love her. Desperately. He loves every part of me...even the bad ones. The ones I wish I could hide, even from him. He picked me! Of all the women he knew, all the women who wanted to be with him, he found his way to me and committed to love me the rest of his days. Wow. He isn't perfect but neither am I. He irritates, frustrates, and pushes me too far sometimes but so what?
Here is the first person who accepted me and is proud of even the smallest and most insignificant accomplishment. He thinks I am beautiful and tells me each and every single day. He continues to love me even when I push him away. Until him, all my thoughts and dreams of love were shaded and blurred. He is my God-given partner. We ride or die together. If this ship goes down, I know I won't be going alone. He will be right there with me.
Wow. If a man can love me like that, think of God's great love for us. He sent His only Son to die for me (which he willingly gave up everything to do), take on all the sins of man, be separated from love and abandoned by the people closest to Him, to give me eternal life and live with him FOREVER! He knew me before I even heard of His name. He created me and breathed His breath into me. There is no love greater, stronger, more potent or more powerful than His. He moves me to humility and drives me to persevere and overcome all that life has thrown my way. There is no greater love. He is my soulmate. He is my heart's rhythm and it's beat. He is the breath in my lungs, and the blood in my veins; He is [my] life.  Thank you Jesus for showing me a glimpse of what love is supposed to look, feel, and be like.  
I love you. 
Always and forever,
t

A Father's Letter

For my wonderful husband and father to our darling baby girl, I wrote a little letter of what it might feel like to be a dad writing to his little girl (hence Levi writing to Azariah). I know this probably doesn't touch on what men really feel, but i just took what I saw Levi do and tried to put them into words. Here's to you Levi for loving your family endlessly and tirelessly.

My little angel,
I have loved you from the moment I knew you were mine.
I was full of fear and expanded with excitement to meet you, to hold you, to talk to you, and take care of you.
You are finally here! and how small you are!
You are so perfect;
You are so beautiful.
You are....mine.
My heart weeps of  joy and sweet relief.
What a blessing God has given today.
You fit so perfectly in my arms like you were made for them.
Now this is real! It doesn't feel real yet...maybe it will soon.
Let me drink this amazing moment in.
I cannot believe you were a part of me. 
I can't believe God gave you to me.
I am not a perfect man; there are so many things I have yet to learn,
But I promise to God to try and that I will love you with all I have all my days.
I will teach you right from wrong.
I will bandage your wounds when you get hurt.
I will try to comfort you through your pain.
I will try to protect you from the danger that lurks around every corner.
I will help you along in your journey and support you in all you do.
I want to see you grow into a beautiful woman.
You are my baby girl.
My heart is so full.
I will be the father I never knew, nor was able to have.
I will shower you with a million kisses everyday even if you don't want them.
I will get frustrated when you upset me and correct you when you are wrong.
How I melt when you reach out for me.
You light up my soul when you look up to give me a kiss.
I can't believe you are a part of me. I believe we are a lot alike.
You will always be loved.
The Lord will always take good care of you, but for now He is letting me steal a little time.
You are so beautiful, like your momma.
I pray I can be the father God wants me to be...
I know I'll mess up.
But I'll still be there, giving you my all, all the days of my life.
You are the joy of my life.
Looking at you, I see a glimpse of heaven.
God shows me heaven in your heart and beauty.
You are my little angel.
You are my sweetheart.
My baby.
You will always be my girl.                                                     
Love always,
Daddy


Thank you Levi for all you do. This was just a little something for you on this special day and everyday. You are a great dad and I know Azariah is so blessed to have you as her Daddy. 
Love you.
Your other girl.
Tiiara  :)

Life Imitating Art

Can life truly imitate art?
O to be beautiful!
Like the lusciousness of a summer's breeze.
The enviable statuesque of the trees,
The gentle calm of the green blades of grass, 
Or the coolness and enticement of the glistening ripples of the water on a hot day.
Have you ever beheld such beauty?
That not even a picture could capture its breathtaking scenery.
O to drink it all in!
And let it fill every square inch of me till I am no more,
And beauty encompasses every fiber of my very being.
To dream in color,
And live it out loud every single day.
How I wish to be the beauty I see all around me!
Why is it everything is beautiful to me except me?
I want to be a woman my daughter might hope to be.
When will this war of what I see and who I am come to an end?
So I might feel alive again.
Wave of beauty overtake me now!
Till I burst in my soul as its vanity goes on the prowl.
For once in my life I wish to be the art.
A perfect picture of wonderful design,
I want to see the beauty that I always dreamed of seeing in the mirror looking back at me.
Not just looking out this window endlessly.
Why can't I be as majestic as the magnolia?
Or as chic as the daisy?
Maybe as sultry as the red rose,
Or as alluring as the tiger lily?
As soothing as the lilac,
Or as sophisticated as the tulip.
Maybe as gorgeous as the orchid,
Or even as cute as the daffodil.
For now I will stick with being plain me.
But I will never stop asking God to make me as beautiful as one of these.
Is it really so wrong to wish for this kind of superficial beauty?
Maybe it is...but it doesn't stop me from dreaming.
One day I will wake up and my life will imitate this wonderful art.
One day.....

...just some feelings I was having today. I have to admit it, I spend a lot of time reading the news, reading about celebrities...all that jazz. After a while I get so disillusioned that their life is the "real" life and that is how it should be. No one looking at this picture says, "Oh, that garden is so ugly!" So, why do we find so many ugly qualities about other people and ourselves? Aren't we worth so much more than the flowers and the trees??? Jesus said we were worth more than even the wildflowers (Luke 22-28)  It's hard not to get down on myself. Most of the time I just wish I could be someone else...someone prettier with better hair, lighter skin, BETTER skin...ah. The scars that we try to hide from each other. But isn't that what makes us unique. Like those flowers, we all possess some quality no one else does that is completely our own. When you look at children, you always see the beauty in them. Where does that fade to as we grow older? Through bullying, emotional or verbal abuse, trying to live up to unrealistic expectations, and for me, having an insane need to be perfect. This will be a battle I will have to face daily. But at least I can admit I have one to fight. Let's help each other. Find all the beautiful qualities in people and celebrate them. Maybe this world wouldn't be so bad after all. And maybe more little girls and little boys can grow up with a confidence and self-esteem that will help them not to compromise who they are to fit in or be a model of what the world considers "beautiful."

RaInDrOps on my heart

                                      "After the Rain"- Aaron Jeoffrey

                             {This was the only video I could find of this song...just listen to the words!!)

I cover my heart/ turn from the wind/ button my coat/ here comes the storm again/ what can I do but trust in Him
'Cause I know the deeper my faith runs/ the stronger I become/ and the thunder it may shake me/ but I always know that

After the rain/ you can look to the sky again/ the clouds will give way/ to the light of the sun/ after the rain/ you know that you've made it through/ and you'll finally see the joy from the pain/ after the rain

Everyone needs/ everyone hurts/ everyone feels/ the weight of the world sometimes/ but don't let the wind sweep your heart away
'Cause even the roughtest waters cleanse/ so when they come again/ let them serve as a reminder/ you can always know that

After the rain/ you can look to the sky again/ the clouds will give way/ to the light of the sun/ after the rain/ you know that you've made it through/ and you'll finally see the joy from the pain/ after the rain

Can't you see the hand of Jesus/ reaching out for you/ you never have to face the storm alone
{chorus}


Nostalgia. always takes you back to another time and place, sometimes a feeling, even a smell can trigger the most vivid memories we lock deep down inside.

Wow! I cannot believe that song came to my mind the other night! It has been too long since I heard it. Such memories that flooded my mind as I began to listen to the words all over again. I listened to this song during a very painful and confusing time in my life. I wasn't who I wanted to be...wasn't where I thought I would be...I let people down...I lost my first love...I had been crushed by betrayal of relationships and slandered...people just walking away from me...my heart was in a million pieces and I had no way of knowing how to put them back together again.

So many things happen in our lives are unbearable and explainable; hard to chew and swallow. Well, life won't stop or slow down for us to figure out all these things. It (life) must keep going and so must we. Somehow we have to find the strength and perserverance to make it through. For some, it's in another relationship, a hobby, getting lost in a drink or a high. For others, it may be finding a way out...any way. I myself after this period tried to find a way out...sitting on a railroad waiting for the train to come. Lowest point of my life. And sadly, many don't even know what that pain led me to...attempted suicide. My life has been filled with confusion, with loss, with pure pain. But God's AMAZING grace held my quivering hand and pulled me up time and time again. I was clinging but I was still there.JESUS saved me and He is the only one who can put broken things back together...not like the things we fix with glue or tape...things that will eventually break again. He mends it and remakes it as NEW. WE have a new life!  (Col. 3) Not that I will ever forget what happened to me but I will remember and be thankful that God was able to heal something I thought was unmendable and that would eventually kill me. 
 He is showing me the beauty that surrounds me everyday....and it is BEAUTYful. My Jesus, my life, my husband, my beautiful and sweet baby, being a wife, a mommy, being surrounded by new friends, a new job...making lifetime memories.
LEAVE it...There's a reason your past is the past!
ACCEPT it...You are in a new season in life
EMBRACE it...Be thankful where God has you and all He has graciously given
EXPECT it...There is a purpose for your life if you are willing to truly surrender your heart and life to Him
ENJOY it...You only have one life. make it count. there is a lost world out there waiting to receive the life that you have.


This is just another firefly to stick in the jar.

I love you..I love my Jesus. I love my family. Hold on just a little bit longer. It will be alright.

Love,

tiiara

ReCkLeSs LoVe!!!

This post is taken from a study I am currently doing through my SWING group while at seminary. We are studying Ephesians, and this particular chapter (5) is about submission. I have truly been blessed to learn and grow in this area of love. thanks to Kristi Hart. I have reworded most in my own words. Enjoy.

1. God is a God of order, not chaos (I Corinthians 14:33)
2. Wives are to submit to their "OWN" husband
3. Likewise, husbands are to love their "OWN" wives as Christ loved the church
    - He died for us!
    -Sacrificial love
4. We must be subject to each other in the fear of the Lord

We must first learn to submit to God before we can begin to try to submit to our husbands. This takes intentional time of prayer and Bible study. This is the constant, clear communication that is needed to make any relationship grow and thrive. It is only done through PRAYER!
Likewise, with our husbands, we need constant conversation and growth. We get this through mutual trust and a growing love for our husbands.

Submission is NOT slavery. It is a relational posture. It is 'coming under' your husband in order to lift him up in everything he does and help him become the man he is supposed to be.

Feminisim has thwarted our idea of submission into thinking we are to 'buck' the system of control. This has nothing to do with control. It has everything to do with honor and respect and the fact that you agreed to let God place this man into your life as not only a leader in your home but a spiritual leader. How important is that role? Not only must he provide and protect, he must also guide us spiritually and be a godly example before us. Wow. That is a huge responsibility. Let's give him a break.  We can only submit through the power of the Holy Spirit.

Without Christ we are all prone to selfish independence.

We are to have an 'affectionate' love towards the men in our life. For him and him ONLY! Ladies, especially do little things in public for your guy. They will truly love this. :) An area I am not so comfortable in but am willing to give it a try!

We as women also have a dark and fleshly desire to manipulate men. (Gen. 3;16) and look at the Proverbs too!
:how we act towards them ( flirtatious behavior, emotional attachments)
:how we appear
:how we dress or what we wear (to seek their attention or elicit a reaction)
                                                W R O N G ! ! !
Shame on us! Then we blame them for being pigs! Men have to be men just as we have to be who God created us to be. We need to help them just as much as they have to help themselves. So if you have been seeking the attentions of men, other than your husband or significant other, I suggest you ask forgiveness and seek to honor YOURS and God. We don't need anyone else to validate who we are (we are made in His image)- let's reflect that not just on the outside, especially on the inside.

With that said, we come to the word 'hesed' which is a Hebrew word for love. This word is much deeper than we can explain or try to translate. Some would translate it as "lovingkindness," or "faithfulness," or "devotion."

Actually, it is an "absolutely selfless love."
                                                                    - it is driven not by force or duty or legal obligation but by a deep commitment-

                                                  "it is a selfless love that motivates a person to do volunarily what no one has a right to expect or ask of them. They have the freedom to act or walk away without the slightest injury to their reputation.Yet they willingly pour themselves out for the good of someone else." THIS IS MOST EXPRESSED IN JESUS.

 this is why we must study the scriptures. to become more like Him.

THIS IS THE GOSPEL LIVED OUT! - this is how our love as husband and wife should look. Sacrificial, serving, selfless, and without condition or demands.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwK73QbNPKo

Now this is the part where I must publicly announce my sincerest apologies to my dearest friend and my faithful and loyal partner, Levi. You are an amazing husband and more so an amazing man of God who is faithfully devoted to the Lord and daily studying His word. I, however, have not been the faithful partner you have needed. I have not loved you the way I should have; affectionately. In fact, many times I have pushed you away from selfishness or meaness. I am sorry. Forgive me. I am learning how to be that wife you need and how to be the support and encouragement you have to have in order to be who you need to be. I hope I can change this around from this day on and really give you my trust and my heart. You are the best thing that has happened in my life so far (besides Jesus of course :p) and though we have had an incredibley rough journey here, I know we will give God all the glory through our lives! I couldn't have asked for a better soulmate. I couldn't have dreamed for anything more.  I love you!!! Thanks for all your love. Especially for seeing the worst in me and loving me anyway. :)
Tiiara

Beauty Has a Name

Beauty has a name
She has a face
No one can hide her
From taking her place
In this world she'll grow
Up to be mighty and strong
She'll learn how to fly
And soar in the unknown
She holds a quiet peace
A joy from deep within
She is a crowned jewel
A delight to her King
He knows and loves her
He delights in this creature He sees
She doesnt have it all
And doesnt ask for much
She gives what she can and knows 
That what she has is enough
She is sweet and strong
Oh how she inspires me
This beauty walks with grace
And her name is Didi

This is for Diana. A precious young lady I am able to know. It is so inspiring to see how a girl at her age is so strong and has such integrity to face life's challenges and keep going. Her faith is amazing and she is my friend. To all those who find it hard to fit in...you always fit perfectly in the palm of His hands!